The Conservative Christian
We’re Christians so we’ll help you, but you gotta do your part:
We won’t do nothing for you ’til there’s Jesus in your heart.
Just follow what the Bible says – well, the passages we’re choosing:
God says “Don’t kill,” then slaughters all, so that’s a bit confusing.
Don’t worry ‘bout the slavery, or killing folks with stones,
As long as wives submit to men, you’ll have such happy homes.
We’ll hold up signs like “God hates gays!” and “Burn in hell!” and such,
Don’t think we’re being hateful, ‘cause we love you very much!
We’ll tell you who to marry; how to live and die as well.
And if you don’t agree with us, you’ll surely go to hell.
As conservatives, we’re practical – so keep our taxes down!
I want my money, dammit. Go someplace else to drown.
Don’t care if you are hungry, if you’re sick or if you’re cold,
Shut up and try to find a job. Too bad if you’re too old.
Give tax cuts to the wealthy! Cut programs to the poor!
Give guns to all Americans! Come on, let’s go to war!
Won’t help you with your healthcare; if you’re poor, I guess you’ll die.
Let’s cut out all the programs upon which I don’t rely.
The Jesus in the Bible always turned the other cheek.
He fed the hungry, healed the sick, stood up for all the weak.
He gave away his money, helped outcasts and the poor,
A jobless homeless bleeding heart? Sounds liberal, that’s for sure!
If Jesus walked the earth today and didn’t have a job,
And talked of peace, and helped the poor, and – gasp – thought he was God,
Christians in their righteous rage might nail him to a cross,
Where he’d likely die without healthcare, since that comes from your boss.
Christians seem deluded since the Bible’s such a mess,
Conservatives seem selfish, but that’s their choice, I guess.
But now I’ll say it plainly, so please don’t throw a fit:
If you’re Christian and not liberal, you’re just a hypocrite.