Poems by a Fed-Up (but Otherwise Really Happy) Atheist

Posts tagged ‘Conservative’

Some People Down In Texas

Some People Down In Texas….

Some people down in Texas carry guns for their protection.
Deadly weapons, violent deaths? There’s surely no connection –
Uh-oh! Rival bikers have a shootout in a bar!
Twenty-seven dead and injured! (You see how safe guns are?)
Of course those guys weren’t good guys. They were gonna kill someone;
But just how many would have died, if no one had a gun?

Some people down in Texas really hate Obamacare.
No Medicaid expansion for low income folks down there!
Too bad if they need health care! Screw the uninsured!
Too bad if they get sicker cuz their health care is deferred!
Block Obama’s policies! Just let the dying wait!
(You think they’d play with politics if their lives were at stake?)

Some people down in Texas cried, “The textbooks are absurd!
We can’t make kids conservative when Doctrine is obscured!
The Ten Commandments! Moses! That’s what shaped our Constitution!
Climate change – if it exists! – is NOT caused by pollution!
How dare the books say slavery! ‘Twas Atlantic Trading Acts!”
And so they set those textbooks straight by twisting up the facts.

Some people down in Texas felt their rights had been abused.
“Tyranny!” “Oppression!” – were some words they often used.
How dare the Feds impinge upon the Texans’ sovereign ways?
How dare they strike down laws that say NO MARRYING FOR GAYS?
Illegal domination! Interference! Subjugation! –
Poor Texans! So repressed, they try seceding from the nation!

[It just keeps getting better, doesn’t it?]

Some people down in Texas got all panicked by a map!
It labelled Texas “hostile”! The Feds have set a trap!
They’ll attack through secret tunnels and establish martial law!
They’ll confiscate all firearms! They’ll brainwash ma and pa!
The Governor calls up the Guard. (The state has gone insane!
Hey guys! It’s just a military exercise, a game!)

Some people down in Texas have some pretty wacky views;
You think they must be joking, ‘til you see them on the news.
Conspiracies! Invasions! Persecution! State secession!
Fear that leftists might swoop-in to brainwash and oppress ‘em!

[Wow.]

They make us laugh! They make us cry. They certainly perplex us;
They’re just a little crazy, are some people down in Texas.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Some links to events referenced in the poem:

  • Nine dead, eighteen injured in Texas biker shootout. (Good thing they had all those guns to keep ’em safe, right?)
  • Gallup Poll: A majority of Americans think guns make us safer. (Hello! Do you watch the news?)
  • Here’s what I think about guns and safety.
  • Oh, how timely! Another shooting! Not in Texas, but the question remains: How many of those nine church-goers would have died if the shooter didn’t have a gun?
  • Texas Governor Rick Perry refuses to expand Medicaid. (The guy who prays for rain thinks it’s “foolish” to give over a million low-income people access to affordable health care.)
  • Well whaddya know, Texas textbooks are inaccurate and biased. (Is anyone surprised?)
  • A Texan education: Sometimes they just make stuff up! (Okay, it’s crazy even for Texas.)
  • Texas doesn’t need to secede! They were illegally annexed and therefore never part of the Union! Really! See what the Republic of Texas proclaims. Sneak preview: EVICT ALL PROGRESSIVES! (Talk about oppression!)
  • Federal judge strikes down Texas’ ban on same-sex marriage, and some people down in Texas are pissed.  (Poor Texans, being told they can’t continue to openly discriminate against gays.)
  • Chuck Norris and other Texans warn of possible federal invasion and martial law! (And they insist they’re not paranoid. Wow.)
  • Texas Governor deploys State Guard against Obama takeover! (Gonna sic the Texas State Guard on the U.S. Military, eh? We’ll see how that goes.)
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Family Values, GOP-Style

Family Values, GOP-Style

They thump their King James bibles as they preach morality;
They boast of “family values” like they’re pure as pure can be;
They condemn you if you’re different: You’re deviants! Misfits!
But the ”family values” party is awash with hypocrites.

Jimmy Swaggart preached the Word of God to millions on TV,
He called gay marriage asinine, perverse stupidity.
But he couldn’t quit those prostitutes, this family values whiz;
A monogamous gay marriage is more virtuous than his.

Mark Foley, fighting child porn, seemed worthy of applause.
He vilified the pedophiles, he called for tougher laws.
And yet he texted graphic stuff to boys not yet eighteen;
The ones who yell the loudest are not always what they seem.

Newt Gingrich, family values guy, cried morals were too lax.
He helped impeach the president for lying ‘bout some facts.
He denounced all shoddy morals (was he with wife Two or Three?),
As his mistress gave him blow jobs. Yeah, more hypocrisy.

Ted Haggard cried that gayness, impure sex and drugs were sin.
“Keep mind and body pure in Christ!” he’d say with toothy grin.
But he liked his male prostitutes. He liked his crystal meth.
He’d condemn it, then he’d do it. Jeez, show your God respect.

John Ensign, as a Promise Keeper, fought for “purity.”
Committed to strong marriages, he preached fidelity.
He cheated with a good friend’s wife despite his righteous stance:
Another family values guy can’t keep it in his pants.

Mark Sanford, Southern Governor, was big on honesty.
(I think that what he really meant was “everyone but me.”)
He lied ‘bout going hiking and he lied ‘bout his affair.
The GOP’s hypocrisy is damn near everywhere!

Larry Craig and ole Jim Bakker, Tom DeLay  and Eddie Long:
The sex and money scandals from these guys goes on and on!
They brag about their values, but you really have to doubt:
They lie and cheat, wreck marriages, and kick their gay kids out.

Who treats families made of immigrants with decency, not scorn?
Who cares about the lives of kids beyond the time they’re born?
Who says that gays can marry and raise kids, like you and me?
Who stands for family values? It ain’t the GOP!

The GOP hurts families, despite the stuff they shout.
For authentic family values, check the other party out.

Gambling With Our Fate

Gambling With Our Fate

You mock whoever dares to think that climate change is true.
You’re scornful of the scientists (who might know more than you).
You sneer at rising temperatures, at droughts and floods and storms.
You snort that it’s just cyclical: Earth cools and Earth warms.

I guess you think you’re awfully smart, denouncing experts’ views.
I guess you haven’t figured out you just can’t trust Fox News.
The scientists could all be wrong about our dire plight;
The problem for the planet, though, is: what if they are right?

Such arrogance, to just dismiss what all the experts say!
Such selfishness, to carry on when you don’t have to pay!
Such recklessness, to roar for drilling oil! Burning coal!
Such foolishness, to think that our emissions have no toll!
Such irresponsibility, to gamble with our fate!
I fear that you won’t smarten up until it’s way too late.

It’d be fine if your short-sightedness affected only you.
But denying this whole issue hurts your kids and grandkids, too.
Why are you so unconcerned, with facts this worrisome?
You’re either really selfish, or else you’re really dumb.

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee
Were voted in by you and me.
Each one argued different sides,
Then hammered out a compromise.
And afterwards they’d have a drink,
And talk and argue; reason, think.
And just because they disagreed
Neither one once felt the need
To call one side “unpatriotic.”
(A charge that’s clearly idiotic!)

Now, Tweedle Dee felt passionately
That all should have equality.
And so he fought for civil rights:
Equal treatment: blacks and whites!
Equal treatment: straight and gay!
For everyone! In every way!

But Tweedle Dum cried, “Lower taxes!”
And “Government, get off our backses!”
(Which really doesn’t make much sense
Since Tweedle Dum’s constituents
Walk around with hands outstretched
For monthly governmental checks.
Where’d they think the money’s from?
From taxes, people! Don’t be dumb!)
You’d think they’d give Dum second looks –
They vote against their pocketbooks!

Now, Tweedle Dum began to think
It might look weak to have a drink
With Tweedle Dee; Dum could be wrong,
But more important is looking strong!
So with all the wisdom Dum implies,
He vowed to never compromise.
Tweedle Dee would try, you know.
But Tweedle Dum just stuck with no.

No to helping those who’re poor.
No immigrants allowed, for sure!
No to marriage if you’re gay!
No taxing rich folks! No! No way!
No to all who are not wealthy.
No to health care! (Hope you’re healthy.)
No abortions! No exceptions!
No to gun control suggestions!
No, there is no climate change!
No if it seems new or strange!

If Dee had something to propose,
Dum would block it with his “no’s.”
Whatever Tweedle Dee might say,
Tweedle Dum would block his way.
Even things that Dum proposed
If Dee agreed, Dum then opposed!
Tweedle Dee would cry, “Not fair!”
But Tweedle Dum just didn’t care.
Dum blocked Dee at every turn.
Let the country crash and burn!

The people cried for unity,
And Tweedle Dum blamed Tweedle Dee
For all those no’s, for all our woes –
Dum just lies, the record shows.
And Tweedle Dum’s constituents
(Who, as I said, don’t have much sense)
Believed Fox News, who said that Dum
Was blameless and that Dee was scum!

So things got worse, more polarized.
Drinks were out (like compromise).
The Tweedles fought, got nothing done,
Yet voters kept both Dee and Dum.

So Dee, with scant majority,
Pushed through bills alone, did he.
Dum was angry, let it show,
But work at all with Dee? Hell, no!
Dum wanted everything his way.
He wouldn’t budge. He wouldn’t sway.
The country stalled; Dum didn’t care.
The country needs Dum outta there!

So let’s be clear: we all know that
“Dee” is short for Democrat.
We also know why things are crummy:
Cuz “Dum,” of course, is short for . . .

.    .    .     .    .Republican

 

 

GOP and Debt Ceiling

The GOP Finally Raises The Debt Ceiling

The GOP congress seems to want to be praised:
Woo hoo! Got our way! Woo hoo, taxes weren’t raised!
Woo hoo! Cut big bucks from the sick and the old!
Woo hoo! Wealthy friends keep their yachts and their gold!

But all those republicans should now be recalled:
They held us all hostage as the economy stalled.
They irresponsibly, recklessly held a hard line,
Didn’t care the whole country might suffer, decline.
They’re naysayers. Bullies. They’re  zealots. They’re haters.
Almost took down the country!

They’re practically traitors.

The Conservative Christian

The Conservative Christian

We’re Christians so we’ll help you, but you gotta do your part:
We won’t do nothing for you ’til there’s Jesus in your heart.
Just follow what the Bible says – well, the passages we’re choosing:
God says “Don’t kill,” then slaughters all, so that’s a bit confusing.
Don’t worry ‘bout the slavery, or killing folks with stones,
As long as wives submit to men, you’ll have such happy homes.
We’ll hold up signs like “God hates gays!” and “Burn in hell!” and such,
Don’t think we’re being hateful, ‘cause we love you very much!
We’ll tell you who to marry; how to live and die as well.
And if you don’t agree with us, you’ll surely go to hell.

As conservatives, we’re practical  – so keep our taxes down!
I want my money, dammit. Go someplace else to drown.
Don’t care if you are hungry, if you’re sick or if you’re cold,
Shut up and try to find a job. Too bad if you’re too old.
Give tax cuts to the wealthy! Cut programs to the poor!
Give guns to all Americans! Come on, let’s go to war!
Won’t help you with your healthcare; if you’re poor, I guess you’ll die.
Let’s cut out all the programs upon which I don’t rely.

The Jesus in the Bible always turned the other cheek.
He fed the hungry, healed the sick, stood up for all the weak.
He gave away his money, helped outcasts and the poor,
A jobless homeless bleeding heart? Sounds liberal, that’s for sure!
If Jesus walked the earth today and didn’t have a job,
And talked of peace, and helped the poor, and – gasp – thought he was God,
Christians in their righteous rage might nail him to a cross,
Where he’d likely die without healthcare, since that comes from your boss.

Christians seem deluded since the Bible’s such a mess,
Conservatives seem selfish, but that’s their choice, I guess.
But now I’ll say it plainly, so please don’t throw a fit:
If you’re Christian and not liberal, you’re just a hypocrite.