Poems by a Fed-Up (but Otherwise Really Happy) Atheist

Posts tagged ‘humor’

Trump And The Popular Vote

Despite winning the Electoral College vote (and thus the U.S. Presidency), Donald Trump did not win the popular vote: he actually received 2.8 million fewer votes than Hillary Clinton. He has been obsessed with the vote count ever since, doing everything he can to manipulate and skew public perception (including talking about “voter fraud” and “fake news”) even after multiple news sites (NPR, Politico, even Fox News) have confirmed his claims are baseless.

Trump And The Popular Vote

The tally was definitive: Trump lost the pop’lar vote.
He lost the vote by millions! It made it hard to gloat.
He threw a childish tantrum though he’d won the biggest prize,
Then did what he does naturally: he started telling lies.
He griped of widespread voter fraud (but couldn’t offer proof);
Claimed “millions” cast illegal votes (Refuted! Not the truth!).

He had to raise his number! With votes he was obsessed!
He had to raise his number! The truth must be suppressed!
He had to raise his number! If not, he’d self-destruct!
But no matter how he tried and tried, Trump couldn’t get it up.

And oh, how he massaged it! Imagine how he tried!
He couldn’t stand how small it was, it hurt his manly pride!
Employing every trick he knew, he strained to make it grow;
But even with his fiddling, he couldn’t make it so.
Alas, he couldn’t do it – embarrassing, it’s true;
But tantrums and excuses? That’s not what real men do.

It’s simple math: Despite his lies, his angry tweets and spin,
More votes were cast for Hillary. Most didn’t vote for him.
We caught him with his pants down. Exposed, we understand:
Trump bullies and he lies cuz he’s a tiny little man.

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I Believe In Leprechauns!

I Believe In Leprechauns!

I believe in leprechauns! They’re real! Just  take a look:
It’s all been written down right here, in the Holy Clover Book!
The Clover Book is ancient. Its teachings all are True.
“Leprechauns are real,” it says – do you believe now, too?
Don’t denigrate the Clover Book, that disrespects my faith.
Accept and praise the leprechauns, or else your soul’s not safe!

You’ve never seen a leprechaun? I’ve never seen your God.
How to know which one is real, and which one is a fraud?
Well, take a look around you! I’ll prove my case with ease:
Grass and trees make oxygen, the very stuff you breathe!
You think it’s just coincidence that green plants make our air?
The explanation’s obvious: the leprechauns were there!
Don’t talk of photosynthesis, one theory you might find.
Teach leprechauns in science class! Let kids make up their mind!

At the end of every rainbow –  I’m sure that you’ve been told –
Is a kettle from the leprechauns, overflowing with pure gold.
If, in your heart, is honest faith,  those riches you’ll receive!
If you haven’t found the kettle yet, be patient! Just believe!

So no one’s seen a leprechaun in, oh, two thousand years?
But here’s a face! Right on my toast! It cried real greenish tears!
So how do you explain that? It’s a miracle! A sign!
What further proof is needed to convince you they’re divine?
I know that leprechauns exist, I feel it in my heart!
You can’t let science trick you! Trust leprechauns! Be smart!

There’s only one condition. On this they’re very firm:
Once a day you must lie down, and wriggle like a worm.
Don’t question why they ask it. We cannot understand.
But since they do command it, better do it or be damned!
Their ways are quite mysterious; they’re greater than are we.
Obey the ancient Clover Book! Obey, and you’ll be free!

Whatever you might point to, and say “This comes from God!”
I can say “’Twas leprechauns!” Come on, now, prove me flawed!
But see? You cannot do it. And so my faith is strong.
I shut my ears to logic, and pray to leprechauns.

God vs. Dog

God vs. Dog

When feeling lonely in the night, to God some people call,
But my dog is right beside me: she never left at all!
I make the slightest murmur and my dog is by my head,
She gives my hand a friendly lick, she snuggles me in bed.

God’s love is downright chilly: “Do This” and “Don’t Do That.”
(Unless, of course, you break His rules, and feel His fiery wrath.)
His comfort is cerebral. You must obey the laws.
A dog just plain adores you, and overlooks your flaws.

Dog’s love is unconditional; she loves you through and through.
She fills you up with selfless love, she puts no strings on you.
They say that if you listen hard, God’s voice is in your heart.
But no one has to “listen hard” to hear a real-live bark!

Now here’s a Truth: I feel it, from my head down to my feet:
God’s love is on the stern side; a dog’s is oh-so-sweet.
Your soul is feeling empty? There’s meager help from God.
To fill your soul to “overflow,” nothing beats a dog!